Donna Wilson Bell

Mamma died of breast cancer in December 2002.

My enemy hacked my computer and
erased all of my e-mails from her (and everyone else)
that I had saved
before she became an angel.
Just to be mean.
And destroyed invaluable tangible
links to her,
because evil is,
by definition,
incredibly selfish.
But...
Fuck you...
I still have my beautiful memories.

December 1st.
Bad day.
But she inspired me still.

Today,
I would love to go back
and read
and remember
every correspondence.
But I can't.
I miss her every day.
God, I miss her.
I need her right now
more than ever.
But we are not allowed such luxuries,
and this planet proves to us
everyday,
that it belongs to devils, not angels.

I was going to try and find
a piece I wrote about my mother
and grandma and post it in their honor,
And share it with everyone.
But all of my honor and memory
has been erased by evil.

Donna Bell was beautiful,
and small and southern and old fashioned.
She loved her husband and her family
and God ...
and that was enough.

She fought cancer with a grace
that cancer did NOT deserve.

Her eyes were bluer than any sea
that we know,
and so was her soul,
at times,
I think.
But she'd never let you know it.
She laughed and she prayed
with the dignity and strength
of a warrior.

I need her so much now.
But she left to become
yet another
angel,
in yet another form.

Sometimes I am glad that she
was spared the turmoil of the
earthly knowledge of what I am experiencing now,
because she loved me so much.
But then again,
I believe that now she knows everything.
Every secret a child keeps from their parent;
Silly or sacred,
for whatever reason.
Every truth an adult keeps from
their parent
due to love or sacrifice,
And It Is All O.K.

Donna Wilson Bell.
I love you.
I need you.
I miss you.
Every day.
And the photo that I keep
next to the coffee pot
in my temporary housing,
makes me feel
sad
and strong
Every Day.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The following is an older writing
of mine about mom:

MAMMA DRAMA
"I just can't seem to drink her
off my mind"

And my mom said...
(while fading in and out)
"Remember my red fuzzy robe..."
me - "what?"
later:
her - "The red fuzzy one?"
me - "what?"
later:
her - "My red fuzzy bath robe?"
me - "Yeah...?
her - "...That Was Fun!"
and she smiled, and faded off.

And then, later...
Blue eyes opened, looking straight at me,
"We'll always be together."
me - "yep."
And then, later, she went to the sky.

(I have that robe now)
----------------------------------------------------
And now, I don't have that robe.
But....
see?
I remember.