GUILTY MEASURES

I have never really aspired to be anything.
I am restless and confused,
but have pretty strong (perhaps rigid)
values as far as hard work and personal integrity goes.
Perhaps that is why I was a straight A student.
Perhaps that is why I was always a good tenant and bill payer.
Perhaps that is why I was an excellent bartender.
Perhaps that is why I have always been an "exemplary employee".

My daddy always said,
"Don't hold a nickel unless you can show how you earned it".

I buy my own dinner and drinks.
I pay my own way.
I have never let a man give me money or pay my tab.
I do not borrow money.
(Except twice,
once plane fare from my best friend, ($300)
and once an apartment deposit from my dad,
both of which in bad situations,
quitting drugs,
trying to fix my life,
both of which I paid back with interest,
neither of which, I think. cashed my pay back checks,
but I DID quit drugs and I did fix my life, somewhat,
Thank You).

I have worked very hard my whole life.
Since a teenager.
Yeah, drugs were a setback,
10 or 15 years ago,
they ALWAYS are,
but I worked two or three jobs
for the duration of drug use anyways.
I always paid for my own drugs.
And I quit.
10 or 15 years ago.

Thankfully, THAT is over.
And I have continued to work.
My main motivation has always been two things:
Fear of poverty, homelessness, helplessness
and
Fear of being faced with a situation
where I wanted to help but couldn't.

So, I work.
I help.

I live simply.
Don't really own anything of real monetary value.
I'm a sentimental blinger,
trinkets left from my mom and people I have known
are the diamonds to me
(more important than the societal bling),
and things from thrift stores...
old things with some unknown's history attached.

But then what?
Success?
Hard work tends to lead to that, regardless.
Whew.
It's a tough one.
I am no more special or deserving than
anyone else but,
I was a very successful student.
I was a very successful bartender,
I have been quite successful.
And for that, I have guilt.

I have not known what to do with that painful emotion.
I give most of my money away,
or I save it,
so I can eventually be a recluse and only write,
about stuff like, say, guilt maybe,
without being homeless, helpless or a burden.

A couple of weeks ago,
I was listening to NPR and heard a
lengthy speech about the educational system
by the spokesperson for Bill Gates charities.
It was long.
It lasted the entire drive in rush hour from
San Pedro, where I was working,
to Santa Clarita, where I had to work next.
If you live in So Cal, you know what a LONG drive that is.
(otherwise, GoogleEarth it... GoogleEarth is AMAZING!)
She spoke about education.
She spoke about funding.
She spoke about altruism.
And then she said a verse I remembered from my childhood:
Luke 12:48 -
"To Whom Much Is Given,
Much Is Expected".

I wrote it on my steering wheel,
or something.
(I keep tape stuck on my steering wheel for
thoughts while driving.)

"To Whom Much Is Given,
Much Is Expected".

Perhaps that is the answer.
But I don't believe it yet.

I battle success like a foe
trying to drag me into shallow waters.
One trying to teach me
that I don't have to swim so hard.

But all I know is swimming hard
to keep my head above water,
to fight the war of tide.

If the drowning waters are not at war with me,
if I am not struggling to stay afloat,
i do not know who I am.

I am not one of those people,
with all the stuff
and the money
and the advantages.
Never have been.
Nor do I want to be.

And if I were to suddenly be,
I would most likely hate myself,
because I would not know who I am
And I would be mirroring those
I do not like
and I do not respect.
Perhaps I only respect the struggle.

So who am I?
Perhaps...
One Of Whom Much Is Expected,
And THAT I will probably fail at,
and again,
drown in guilt.