TURNING

I had a really bad day.
I hate this planet.
It is not mine.
I swear I am not from here.
People lie.
They are horrible to each other.
The capacity of this species
to be selfish
and dishonest
and awful
to each other
is so sad to me,
I just do not want to be here.
I was at work today,
and each and every
co-worker of mine said something like,
"God, are you o.k.?"
and hugged me.
No,
I was not o.k.
I awoke again to the reality
which is reality
and I wanted to jump off the balcony...
again.
Why would I
who has been bedridden by
the cruelty of others
even when I only see it on TV
have to have bumped into
one of the most
evil,
cruel,
dishonest persons
that has ever existed
and who marked me as a target
And I was too stupid
and giving
to defend myself.
Why would you
be left without
your child at the hands
of a childhood friend
because they murdered them
and mailed you the bones
seeking money,
Why would you
have tried so hard
and perhaps failed
or prospered
be hit by a
natural disaster
or worse
a man planned one
and have the pain of loss
and wounds
and
just
PAIN.

Cruelty,
That gets me most.
Life is hard enough.
There will be
hurricanes
tornados
earthquakes
cancer
AIDS
accidents
and a bazzilion other things
without some jerk
ON PURPOSE
coming in
and trying to destroy
your life
ON PURPOSE
just for financial gain.

Today was a bad day.
These were the things
I was thinking about
after my
hardly any sleep
But then...
In the way things work,
sometimes
Something made me laugh,
I got some new tattoos,
and they are beautiful,
I had several friends call and
ask me to ....
whatever,
where ever they were.
I went with the closest
and had good conversations and
good hugs
and lots of support and love.
I came home early
because I don't like to be away from
my pets for too long.
And after an awful day...
I find myself
watching a documentary,
alone,
with three pets sitting
on me
a cold beer
and beautiful new tattoos.
And you know what?
for a second
I didn't feel like crying.
And that makes me think
about not jumping of the balcony.


Photo By: Special Agent Anthony Dinozzo