For Mights Sake

My lawyer doesn't understand on-line journals,
and he made me understand
that I don't either.
Several times this week,
I almost deleted mine,
and I still might.
My lawyer is like,
"I just don't understand why?'.
Well, neither do I.
It causes me an extreme amount of anxiety
to expose stuff.
Maybe that's why.
'Til Death Do Us Art.
Creating is always frightening,
but not nearly as much
as exposing oneself truthfully.

But in case I delete,
for the unknown reason that I write,
I'm gonna write ...

I have been so sad lately.
Mean people make me sad.
Liars make me sad.
Suffering makes me sad.
I wish I was better at being
mad,
But I'm only sad,
sad is within me,
Always been a doormat.

Another homeless animal found me this week.
We call him "Dude".
He found me while I was walking home from the store.
He said hello
and I said "here we go again"
and scooped him up.
He's funny and bright and
WAY too thin.
He talks too much,
like I do.
I took him to the doctor
like I never do for myself.
He got his shots and his surgery,
like I never do for myself,
he's happy and adorable,
and I gotta find him a home
because The Eternal Man Of The House
(my cat) DOES NOT like other cats.
So I keep The Dude in his private quarters.
The Dude don't care,
he's cool.
He likes his new food
and his new litter box
and his new people friends
and his new toys
and his new collar.
The Dude adapts quite well,
as it turns out.
And turns out, he's disease free,
(thank God)
and WILL be very healthy and strong,
when I'm done working with him.
At this particular moment in my life,
did I really need
another homeless animal to find me
along with my household full
that I obsess over already?
Well, no,
but he is welcome and he is safe.
The Dude will have a good life,
I will make sure of it.

This, when SO MANY ANIMALS
are homeless and can't find their people
in the wake of Katrina.
And The Dude finds me.
Right Now.
But ya' know what?
Homeless animals and people
exist with and without media attention
everywhere, all the time..
There are thousands that need help right now
because of Katrina
and thousands that
did before and will after.
We need to help
all the time,
at all times.

And although I feel guilty
about everything,
all the time
(partly because of growing up in
church down south)
I am trying to not feel guilty
about all the suffering,
human and animal going on right now
and instead,
be brave and do all that I can,
everyday.
But I still feel guilty.
I want to hide under the covers,
but that doesn't really help anyone.
So I go to work,
I give what I can,
I do what I can.
I cry alot,
then forge onwards.

Tonight I sat on the couch after a long day,
with my boyfriend
who has taught me for the first time in my life
with a Significant Other
what LOVE means.
(and honesty, and loyalty, and strength)
For real.
He humbles me with his goodness.
He was telling me about work
and then reading me letters
and showing me pictures
from his million friends
about their jobs,
their lives,
what they are doing,
the journeys they are on,
the tales they tell
(this after he worked like 15-16 hours,
and has a duplicate day tomorrow,
and tomorrow,
and yesterday,
and the days before,
typical)
And he smiled.
His happy face in that moment
and the sleeping animals on my lap...
all so beautiful to me.
We were listening to The Dark Side of the Moon.
I was reading a magzine
and doing laundry.
We laughed about his stories,,
and cried about the state of others,
we're both criers,
and laughers,
equally.
He's tired,
I'm tired,
We're all exhausted
from work
and the state of the nation.

And everything was kinda fine.
In that second.
And I feel guilty.
I feel guilty about feeling ok for a second,
Because things are not OK for everyone
at that second.

Why should I have so much love in my life
when there is such horror and terror in the world?
Including MY world.

Today,
when I was driving to pick up The Dude from the vet,
I asked God again,
"Why?"
(at this particular moment,
I was asking about the
sadness delivered to my own personal life)
God said,
"look at what you have been given".
I wrote it down on a piece of white gaffer tape
that was stuck to my steering wheel
left over from an indie film I did over the summer.
And I only contemplated
and did not recognize
or celebrate,
because I felt sad,
guilty,
abandoned by God, etc.
But even The Most Evil Person I've Ever Met
told me that I should be blessed
because I give all my money and time away
to those in need.

I never asked to be blessed in any way.
And I feel guilty about every good thing
in my life.
And on the personal front,
in a moment when it's not about
the other people front,
I think about the sadness inflicted
on me by bad people
and life itself.
But then I look at my boyfriend,
and I look at my pets,
and my co-workers,
and my friends,
and I think,
wow...
Why?
But again...
WOW.

And they keep me going,
for some reason,
I am supposed to keep going.
I don't know why...
yet.
But I thnk maybe I will some day.

Only by the grace of God...
and my boyfriend,
and my friends,
and the animals I encounter...
go I.

And I will go...
again tomorrow,
and give The Dude his medicine
and well needed love.
I will work...
And love my boyfriend
and my pets
and my co workers
and my friends
and my family
and I will do whatever I can
to help my stranger friends
and animals
who are hurting
until I collapse.
Which I feel like doing
all the time,
but apparently,
for some reason
I'm not supposed to ...
yet.