DAVID SEDARIS

So, anyone I know or have met or have passed in
the supermarket
probably knows about my obsession with the author
David Sedaris.
And it is well deserved.

I first picked up "Me Talk Pretty One Day"
in an airport years ago, randomly,
and the rest is history.
I buy every new book the day it comes out,
I have them all on CD as well,
and have purchased 100s of copies of
"Me Talk Pretty One Day" to give to people.

Night before last, Michael and I drove to
Long Beach to see him read live and it was
AWESOME!
So great.
Fun and funny.
I was beside my self.
I waited in the three hour line afterwards
to get my books signed
one for me and one for my sister
(also a fan)
I was SO nervous to talk to him that we waited to be last
in line so I could get my bravery up.

There was a group of people outside while we were waiting
who kindly let me freak out my fandom to them
so I would be less weird inside.

All went well.
I got to the table,
I was cool,
thanked him for staying so late,
he asked me what I do for a living,
I told him,
he asked me if that was weird,
I told him,
and then I told him that in case he is ever
sitting around wondering,
I am, in fact, his biggest fan,
I told him I have purchased hundreds of his books
and given them to everybody,
and that I had the CDs and everything David Sedaris.
He was awesome,
and signed my book,
"Pauley,
Thank You For Making Me Rich.
David Sedaris"

Great night all around.
Thank you, David Sedaris
For Everything.

Backatcha

When I wrote
"To Whom much is given,
Much is expected"
(Luke 12:48)

My smarty pants friend Danielle wrote me back:

"the person who has been given much
has proven herself faithful in the little things."
(Matt. 25:21)

Thanks, D !!!

Today I Was Thinking About...

Today I Was Thinking About:

- How much good, hard work and long hours
can cure what ails you.

- How much kindness helps both the
recipient and giver.

- How much Green Day's record
"American Idiot" deserved every accolade
it received, and more.

- How much a simple act of kindness can
change someone's life.

- How impossible it is to keep up with
e-mails, letters and phone messages.

- How, somehow, I can not remember when I ate last,
but I know the hour, minute and second of when my
dogs need to be walked.

- How all public places should have more trash
and recycle bins.

- How hard and horrible it must be for the elderly
and handicapped
to try and open caps and bottle tops
that I can hardly turn,
Me being young and healthy.

- How an old T-shirt can never compare to a new one.

- How inanimate gift giving can never compare
to letting someone know you really love them.

- How much an old, familiar
cheesy pop song can make you smile.

- How much a piece of artwork or homemade
item means when compared to something store bought.

- How silly and hateful competition can be.

- How much negative energy effects you.

- How long the desire for a ham and cheese
sandwich stayed with me after I heard someone
randomly say "ham and cheese sandwich".

- How telling one's true self is
when they are tired or grumpy already.

- How much I prefer pencils over pens.

- How much I dislike chocolate and love cake.

- Killing yourself, and the ramifications.

- How the love of a pet or a person,
or more so, loving a pet or a person,
can make your feet not hurt when they're tired.

- How truly painful and evil lies are.

- How beautiful a strawberry is.

- How perfect bananas are.

- How good it feels to do someone a favor
when you are too damn tired to do it, and
you do it anyways.

- How cute my boyfriend looks when he comes
home from working hard 17 hours, outside,
and is really, really, really dirty and sunburned and tired.
(and still smiles at me every time I look at him)

- How much I HATE being sunburned.

- How simple and important recycling is.

- How stupid racism and homophobia is.

- How simple and worth it, it is to make someone smile.

- How awesome it is to laugh your ass off.

-How much I hate the internet sometimes, but as a news junkie,
can't seem to let it go.

- How I do not think I can accept
that some are beyond redemption.

- How much I love my job,
and how special that is.

- How betrayal of trust can be a poison that
changes every relationship to come.

- How no past thing should poison future happiness.

- How wonderful it is to be loved, all flaws included.

- How much I love movies.

- How much I love books.

- How much I love music.

- How frustrated I get with stupid, commercial
movies, books and music.

- How nice it is when a girl's hair smells like flowers,
AND she's a kind person.

- How silly celebrity is.

- How strange it is to be human on planet earth right now.

- How someone, somewhere thought it was strange to
be a human on planet earth since humans and the
planet earth existed.

- How great it is to trust someone and be right.

- How liars exist; from the people you know
to the people you elected, and no one fights harder
to prove lies than the liars themselves,
truth tellers are often too quiet and peaceful.

- How hurtful it is to be wrong,
when relying on trust and faith.

- How much women are raised to hate themselves
and the horrible consequences.

- How absolutely wonderful it is when women
are loving and supportive of other women.

- How much I LOVE my gay friends.

- How frustrating straight people can be.

- How friends can sustain you and love you anyways,
even when you are tired and grumpy to them.

- How much I despise criminals (especially when trying
to open a new cd/dvd case)

- How much I love photographs.

- How much photographs can lie.

- How much I trust responsible pet owners.

- How much I wish every child and elderly person,
teenager, sad and lonely person could have a pet,
it changes everything.

- How much it SUX for someone to have a pet and not
respect and take care of it properly, especially when the
pet was bought for status or cute factor.

- How much I want to be a recluse somewhere and
only write and exist with love and a bunch of animals
and never have to entertain or explain.

- How much I think about so much stuff
that I could never, ever
document all the things I think about in a day,
and that makes me wish I didn't think at all,
or could choose from a thought menu
at a five star, healthy, peaceful brain restaurant
and only pick light appetizers.

Although,
I know,
The shallow end is easier,
But deep water
Teaches you
To really swim,
Be strong,
And stay afloat.

Just another day.

GUILTY MEASURES

I have never really aspired to be anything.
I am restless and confused,
but have pretty strong (perhaps rigid)
values as far as hard work and personal integrity goes.
Perhaps that is why I was a straight A student.
Perhaps that is why I was always a good tenant and bill payer.
Perhaps that is why I was an excellent bartender.
Perhaps that is why I have always been an "exemplary employee".

My daddy always said,
"Don't hold a nickel unless you can show how you earned it".

I buy my own dinner and drinks.
I pay my own way.
I have never let a man give me money or pay my tab.
I do not borrow money.
(Except twice,
once plane fare from my best friend, ($300)
and once an apartment deposit from my dad,
both of which in bad situations,
quitting drugs,
trying to fix my life,
both of which I paid back with interest,
neither of which, I think. cashed my pay back checks,
but I DID quit drugs and I did fix my life, somewhat,
Thank You).

I have worked very hard my whole life.
Since a teenager.
Yeah, drugs were a setback,
10 or 15 years ago,
they ALWAYS are,
but I worked two or three jobs
for the duration of drug use anyways.
I always paid for my own drugs.
And I quit.
10 or 15 years ago.

Thankfully, THAT is over.
And I have continued to work.
My main motivation has always been two things:
Fear of poverty, homelessness, helplessness
and
Fear of being faced with a situation
where I wanted to help but couldn't.

So, I work.
I help.

I live simply.
Don't really own anything of real monetary value.
I'm a sentimental blinger,
trinkets left from my mom and people I have known
are the diamonds to me
(more important than the societal bling),
and things from thrift stores...
old things with some unknown's history attached.

But then what?
Success?
Hard work tends to lead to that, regardless.
Whew.
It's a tough one.
I am no more special or deserving than
anyone else but,
I was a very successful student.
I was a very successful bartender,
I have been quite successful.
And for that, I have guilt.

I have not known what to do with that painful emotion.
I give most of my money away,
or I save it,
so I can eventually be a recluse and only write,
about stuff like, say, guilt maybe,
without being homeless, helpless or a burden.

A couple of weeks ago,
I was listening to NPR and heard a
lengthy speech about the educational system
by the spokesperson for Bill Gates charities.
It was long.
It lasted the entire drive in rush hour from
San Pedro, where I was working,
to Santa Clarita, where I had to work next.
If you live in So Cal, you know what a LONG drive that is.
(otherwise, GoogleEarth it... GoogleEarth is AMAZING!)
She spoke about education.
She spoke about funding.
She spoke about altruism.
And then she said a verse I remembered from my childhood:
Luke 12:48 -
"To Whom Much Is Given,
Much Is Expected".

I wrote it on my steering wheel,
or something.
(I keep tape stuck on my steering wheel for
thoughts while driving.)

"To Whom Much Is Given,
Much Is Expected".

Perhaps that is the answer.
But I don't believe it yet.

I battle success like a foe
trying to drag me into shallow waters.
One trying to teach me
that I don't have to swim so hard.

But all I know is swimming hard
to keep my head above water,
to fight the war of tide.

If the drowning waters are not at war with me,
if I am not struggling to stay afloat,
i do not know who I am.

I am not one of those people,
with all the stuff
and the money
and the advantages.
Never have been.
Nor do I want to be.

And if I were to suddenly be,
I would most likely hate myself,
because I would not know who I am
And I would be mirroring those
I do not like
and I do not respect.
Perhaps I only respect the struggle.

So who am I?
Perhaps...
One Of Whom Much Is Expected,
And THAT I will probably fail at,
and again,
drown in guilt.

FOOT WHERE

So,
A co-worker of mine said to me the other day,
"I'm just like...
I love my job,
I love my life,
I love my wife...
Everything is just so great right now,
I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop"

And I said...
"Perhaps you are already wearing them both."

By The Numbers

My friend who does miraculous things all the time,
just sent this to me:

" I just (now) realized that THIS Wednesday, for
one second, right after 1:am, it will be 01:02:03
04/05/06!

Do something... miraculous.

Angus Oblong."


That's really, really, really cool.
(not as cool as when it was
03:03:03 03/03/03, I got a tattoo to
celebrate that one)
but very cool all the same!

April 1st

April 1st is my awful (beloved) little dog's birthday.
Cece, my mean, mean little dog, this one's for her.

Cece is lying next to me on the couch, in slumber.
She's always next to me, she never leaves my side.
If I reach over and put my hand next to her face,
she will sleepily lick my finger.

This is far from when I first met her.
The angry, terrified mutt at a rescue I volunteered at.

She spit and she bit people.
She was really mean and angry.
Not that she doesn't still bite.
She's an awful biter.
She's ferocious,
11 lbs. of terror.
But she doesn't bite me anymore.
She would if I startled her
Or moved her blanket
that she wraps herself up in like a burrito.
Or if she had an awful nightmare.

It makes me so sad that she has nightmares.
I have nightmares,
Awful ones,
all the time.
And so does my beloved dog.

In her sleep
Sometimes
she will bite her subconcious attacker
(which in real life can end up being my toe).
I believe it is about whoever abused her before rescue.
That makes me sad
But I understand.
I don't bite,
but I understand.

She's sleeping next to me.
When I look over at her, every time,
I am overwhelmed with how very much
I love this little dog.
The little dog who bites,
stinks, growls,
claws at my leg if I am not holding her,
pulled my "R" key off of my laptop,
tries to drink my coffee
all the time,
steals bags of chips,
stole an entire Subway sandwich,
is relentlessly demanding,
brings me presents
from the cat's litter box,
drags out my undergarments
when people come over
and throws up in my hand while I'm sleeping.

God, I love her.
Since the day she picked me at rescue,
she has been hopelessly attached to me,
but that does not compare to
how hopelessly attached I am to her.
I miss her even if I'm gone for 5 minutes.
I love how she smells.
I love her funny little face and walk.
I understand her language she made up
that says things like
"TAKE ME OUT NOW!!!"

I understand pain.
I understand fear.
I understand nightmares.
I don't bite...
but I understand.


Happy Cece's Birthday.