BREAK

I catch my reflection
in the bottom of my coffee cup.
Yup, I'm fucked.
Eyes of sugar and caffeine
staring back at me.
What do they mean?
What did you mean
to be by now?
Only God knows how
you made it this far.
Through bars and cars
and what is the point
suicides and land slides
The endless why why whys
pins and needles
continue to infect
the reject
to project and spread
the never ending dread
a wallflower's longing
for a dance of the dead
party hats and fancy gowns
thrown on the ground
as a foot path laid
to the bed that you made
wishing it was a cradle
you curl
into a ball
pretend you are small
and try hard to dream
of fairies and kings
in a land of beauty and grace
to wake up to face
you're not small at all
but big and fumbling along
a long road of whys
in a kitchen of spies
as you fill up your cup again.

(c) pauley p.

PEAS

We can not stop listening to the
Black Eyed Peas cd "Monkey Business".
It's so fun and so good.
We've been listening to it constantly
for weeks now.
If you can get through that entire CD
and not do a little dance somewhere...
well... I don't think it's possible.

Some of the Peas beats reminded me to remember
how much I love Arrested Development.
Their first record "3 years, 5 months and 2 days..."
is so good, especially the singles:
Mr. Wendel, Tenessee, and People Everyday
Definitely worth some downloads
and revisiting.

BONDAGE

Tie my hands
behind my back
and drag me that way
so you can't see my face.

You could see
if you'd look...
past the blinding
deafening
pill you took

and you never learned
to lip read
for you do not want
what you really need
or read at all
the writing on the wall

You walk ahead
with torch held high
maintaining a shackle
beneath my thigh
because binding me
is the only way you see
to make it.

I know your need...
but you can't see
that I hold the key and can be free...
I'm doing you a favor

I'll be small while tall you stand
as I'm feverishly writing
in the sand
and even through
your biting hand
I understand
The wanting...

To bind me
to blind me
to sign me
entwine me
to throw me
to know me
to drone me
to clone me
I would want to, too
if I were you

Your mind should be full
of why I let you pull
and I don't resist
and I respond with a kiss...
But watch your wrist
because eventually
I'll slash.
And you will crash
and maybe me too
because we both
have something to lose
You need to feel big
and I have to feel small
but in the end,
you shrink
and have nothing at all
loose chain
and an empty,
useless trick bag
because...
I didn't really like the drag
I just hung around
to hear your feet pound
with the weight of your own weakness.

I speak this now
so you will know how
the seed becomes an oak
that I may provoke
your armor crack
so you can avoid
a broken back
and I can save the one
of your next attack

you tied my hands
behind my back
but I let you...
you lose...
I win.
I am pale
and you are black
but you're indebted ...
you choose your sins.

The humility
that was my chore
is again the knock
upon my door
to break the chain
and walk away
while you desperately search
for your next prey
and try to make them
very small
so you can then feel
very tall
You crack your whip
and search the crowd
for the next to be shadowed
by your cloud
on your sinking ship
of your downward fall
Can't read the writing
on the wall
Illiterate
no matter what the scrawl
Of the toes in sand
Of who you make crawl
And still you remain
So Very Small
For The One With The Whip
Learns Nothing At All.

(c) pauley p.

The Unfortunate Things

I just sorta added/changed the
"Read This First" thingy at the
top of this page.
It only allows a certain amount of characters,
so that's why it's written so staccato.
I'm posting this for those who read it before
and may not have noticed the changes.

Here are the unfortunate things in long form:
I have a relentless bad person who hacks me,
harasses me, and writes me fake e-mails from
men, women and children, usually from a
hotmail or yahoo address.
Because of this, I have to be very
careful about everything.
Careful about what I respond to,
I do not click any links,
or read forwards
or download anything.
PLEASE DO NOT INVITE ME TO
MYSPACE.COM
I am not interested.
This is the playground for him
and his tiny group of people he tries to
get to assist him.
(I also have some church friends
and girlfriends who are on there
who are not awful people,
but I am NOT interested in being
a part of that thing, all myspace.com
notes in any form are automatically deleted).

For everyone who has written me absolutely
beautiful, wonderful letters
Thank you so much, I read them.

For you who do the rest of that crap...
Pathetic.
Absolutely Pathetic.

Tang

I forgot
Until I suddenly remembered
the other week
how much I LOVE TANG!
Yum!
Tang!
I went out and got some,
and have been deliriously happy about
remembering Tang ever since.

Some of the great things in life:
-Tang
-Hawaiian Punch
-Macaroni & Cheese w/Tuna & Peas
-Budweiser
-Brussel Sprouts
-Cotton Socks
-Pets
-Clean Laundry Smell
-Soft Sheets
-Hard Pillows
-Hearing someone laugh heartily
-One Of Your Fave Obscure Songs
Heard On The Radio In The Car
-Randomly Helping A Stranger
-Reaching the itch on your back
-A great sandwich
-Waking up after a happy dream
-Sweet Tea
-A Great Book You Picked Up By Accident
-Thinking something funny and
laughing outloud in public by yourself
and then laughing because you did
- Observing an act of kindness
- Picking a movie you've never heard of and
loving it
- Feeling depressed and
accidentally having a great day
- Finding out you over paid a bill
- A good night's sleep
- A great memory you forgot
- A pencil and paper when you need it
- Customer service actually helping
- Finding yourself funny
- Finding yourself at all
- An excellent blanket
- Doing the right thing,
even if nobody knows
- Secret Altruism
- Nail Clippers when you need them
- Finding your way to an
address you don't know
when you think you're lost
- Smelling something that reminds you of your Granny
- Smelling something that reminds you of your Mamma
- Thinking you lost something and
finding it right away
- Being nervous about some event and
having a great time anyways
- Paper in the printer
- High Speed Connections
- Someone unexpectedly standing up for you when
you feel all alone
- Telling the truth, no matter what
- Fear of not understanding something and
then learning it really fast
- Feeling Understood
- Understanding
etc....
Oh, so much...
That was just off the top of my head
in like 5 minutes,
because Tang made me really happy.

Feb. 14th

In honor of Valentine's day,
which is what it is and isn't
and the fact that
today is my dog's birthday,
I decided to post this picture
of my two favorite dudes and me.
(my cat is my other fave dude, but it's not
his birthday, his is on halloween)
My boyfriend (Valentine)
and my birthday dog
and me.
A picture of us taken on Thanksgiving
posted for Valentines day.
Now, the three of us
(Me, Michael, and the dog)
and a friend
had a discussion about this photo.
We look not happy,
yet were ecstatically happy that night.
We look sweaty,
but it wasn't hot.
And we have big heads,
which is true,
but so does the dog, huge head,
but his head looks small.
Regardless,
this is the only picture of the three of us
I can find.
And the dog licked the screen when
I showed it to him,
so he likes it.
Anyway,
Happy Valentines Dog Birthday Thanksgiving Picture. :)

CLARIFY: BLOGGER

Thank you to everyone who wrote asking
why my original "sweet freedom" post
was deleted.
No,
this had nothing to do with the
wonderful program and people
at blogger, I e-mailed them.

As mentioned before,
I have a full-time hacker,
harassser, impersonator,
net obsessed, liar, yucky person problem
and they apparently have nothing better to do.

I know exactly who it is.
It is a person
(with a couple of naive, bored hanger-on-ers)

It isn't Blogger.
Blogger has been very good to me.

But thank you very much for your concern
and kind e-mails.

SWEET FREEDOM

The day after the happiest day of my life
I posted an entry called "Sweet Freedom"
about the amazing lyirics to the song
"Someone Saved My Life Tonight"
by Elton John and Bernie Taupin
but it seems as though someone
didn't like me liking that beautiful, poignant song,
so, it was mysteriously deleted it off my blog,
gee, I wonder how that happened?

Anyways,
I was just here working
with my I-Pod on shuffle
and heard it in the background.
It's so beautiful
and meaningful to me,
that I'm going to repost it:

Random Lyrics from
"Someone Saved My Life Tonight"
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
from the record "Captain Fantastic"
(which I have on vinyl sitting next to me)

It's one more beer and I don't hear you anymore...

Someone saved my life tonight
You almost had your hooks in me,
didn't you dear?
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away,
High away,
Bye, Bye

A slip noose hanging in my darkest dreams
I'm strangled by your haunted social scene

Saved in time,
Thank God My Music's Still Alive

They're coming in the morning
With a truck to take me home.

So save your strength
And run the field you play alone.

- from "Someone Saved My Life Tonight",
by Elton John and Bernie Taupin

STAID

I could not have planned
for the kicking face in my sand
for the deep water that runs... still
for the fight to free will
from the shackles of tradition
from my yellow submission
from the govern meant to crease
the folded plane of the sheet
of plain white paper flier
that longs to soar higher
shot down with other's vertigo
that turns the dark black of indigo
back to the strappings
of horizontal trappings
Stare straight ahead
pretend that you're dead
Do not bite
the feed that backhands you
The fleet is at sail,
the cannons are manned, too
and aimed at the deft things
That fly with two left wings
That bring breath to the baited
Hooked, lined and sedated
Ready, Tame, Fire
Down the desire
To fly higher
Than the empire
Of the finite city
Of polite mediocrity.

(c) pauley p.

Feb 1st, 2006

I have had a big, sorted life,
which demands a big statement...
TODAY
FEB. 1, 2006,
WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Since I write about sadness,
it is only fair to write about a day
where
my cheeks were flushed,
I wanted to jump up and down
I wanted to do some weird dance
I've never done before
and no one could identify
(I didn't, but I should've).

I was hot when it was cold,
My prayers of gratefulness
were running over themselves,
I was speaking in the tongues
of someone who didn't know if things
would ever get better,
but God blew my mind today,
a million times.
I am SO happy,
it is ridiculous,
and I don't know what to do with myself,
except be so grateful I can't sleep.

Prayers GET ANSWERED.
Horrible things go away.
Light at the end of the tunnel
and all that crap,
sometimes is true.

I am so happy.
Today was the best day of my life.